Thursday, March 25, 2010

How Much Longer?

How much longer until the nightmares stop?
How much longer until I have to hide the grief because the people around me get sick of hearing about it?
How much longer until I am not afraid to touch or even look at a baby for fear of making a huge scene?
How much longer until I can honestly say that I am not bitter towards Catholicism?
How much longer until I pray for God's will to be done in e-mom's life and really mean it, not just because I know that is what I am supposed to do and would rather see her hurting as much as I am?
How much longer until my head can convince my heart that it is SO not worth all this pain, fear and anxiety?
How much longer until Anna forgets how excited she was about having a baby sister?
How much longer until my heart stops skipping a beat every single time I sit down at my computer, hoping for an e-mail that will change everything for the better and blot out the e-mail that caused so much grief in my life?
How much longer until my mind accepts that my family is complete and there will be no more little girls for me to parent?
How much longer until I can fall asleep without flipping my pillow over to find a dry spot I haven't cried on?
How much longer until the sight of baby girl clothes don't make my stomach churn?
How much longer until I stop envisioning how every single thing I do would be different if this hadn't happened?
How much longer until I don't feel judged and rejected?
How much longer until I am truly happy again? Because that is what I want.
How much longer?