A few people have asked me whether or not I am sorry we ever started down this adoption path.
I can honestly say no, I am not sorry.
Don't get me wrong. I am not happy that I feel the way I do. My arms ache for a baby I never had the chance to hold. It is a dreadful feeling and one that I would not wish on anyone.
We could have said no. We could have decided not to take the risk in order to spare ourselves any potential pain. But...the thing is, if we never took the risk, we would have spent a lifetime wondering what might have been.
Yes, we ended up in pain. No, we are not happy about being in pain. But this pain will fade with time, I assume. There is a degree of closure to this pain.
Had we never taken this risk, we would have spent our lives questioning that choice. There would have been no closure; only a lifetime of "what if?"
Do I wish she had never contacted us? Sometimes. But not really. We are starting, ever so slowly, to move forward and to identify positive pieces of this whole bizarre puzzle. I believe that any circumstance is what you make it. We can choose to wallow or we can choose to take the crappy things that happen and use them for some purpose; to turn them into something positive. Trust me, I have done my fair share of wallowing and will likely continue to do so off and on for quite a while, but I know that in the end I will be ok and I will have a greater appreciation of many things as a result of these events. I still have days when I feel angry, when I question everything I said and did, when I want to pick up the phone and beg her not to do this. I am human, after all. But I know that with time I will heal and move forward.
So no, I am not sorry. I took a big risk that could have ended in a miracle that I never dreamed possible. I had to. And if the situation came up again, I sincerely doubt that I would hold myself back from taking the risk again; despite the fear that will no doubt try to hold me back. I have taken many risks that have ended in incredible circumstances. If I had allowed fear to hold me back, I would have missed out on so much.
I'm not sorry.
"It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
-Lord Alferd Tennyson