Growing Pains

This evening in the car:

Nathan: Mama?

Cherith: Yes baby?

Nathan: Asks a question that I cannot remember due to the trauma of the next 15 seconds.

Cherith: Answers question that I cannot remember.

Nathan: Mama, can you please not call me baby anymore?

Cherith(while LITERALLY choking back tears and sobs of grief): Yes Nathan, if you don't like it I won't call you baby anymore. I am sorry, I did not know you don't like it. I don't call you baby because I think you are a baby, it's just what I have called you ever since you were born. You will always be my baby, but I won't call you baby anymore if you don't like it.

Nathan: No, I don't like it mama.

whimper

Mama needs a hug.

I seem to be suffering a LOT more pain over Nathan's growing up than I did over Isaac's and than I think I will over Anna's.

Even though Anna is my last baby, I have been able to really savor every second of her babyhood. I have memorized how it feels to rock her and read to her and hold her. I will have very fond memories of those moments with my baby girl.

Isaac was my baby all by himself for 18 months. I spent 11 weeks prior to Nathan's birth on bedrest so it was just my Isaac and me, able to spend lots of time together. I have such vivid memories of rocking him, reading to him and playing with him.

But with my Nathan, my dear sweet, kind hearted, easy going little Nathan, I just don't have many clear memories of his baby years. I have thought a LOT about why that might be and there are many reasons, but two specifically that really stand out.

I was so busy when he was an infant, caring for a newborn and a toddler, that I don't think I ever really took the time to slow down and savor his baby moments. Then we were in that awful car accident and it completely wiped out a lot of my memory of the year before and the year after. Years that I can never get back, the years when my Nathan grew and changed the most. It brings tears to my eyes even as I type this, I so desperately wish I had more vivid memories of him as a baby, a toddler, a 2 year old.

He is growing SO fast. He is going to be FIVE next year! He is going to start kindergarten in the fall of 2008! I would not wish him back to a baby, he is an utter joy of a little boy. I just so wish that my memories of his infancy and toddler hood were clear.

I will admit that I also worry a lot about Nathan's well being. I do not want him to sink into the neglected middle child role. With a rather high maintenance, though also dearly loved, big brother and an adorable baby sister, easy going Nathan can very easily get lost in the shuffle. He is just such a sparkling little personality, that grin just lights up the room.

I could probably ramble on for at least another 12 paragraphs with very little point or direction so I will cut this post off for both your benefit and mine.

SIGH I don't remember signing up for this part of motherhood, why didn't some one warn me?