Friday, November 30, 2007

Growing Pains

This evening in the car:

Nathan: Mama?

Cherith: Yes baby?

Nathan: Asks a question that I cannot remember due to the trauma of the next 15 seconds.

Cherith: Answers question that I cannot remember.

Nathan: Mama, can you please not call me baby anymore?

Cherith(while LITERALLY choking back tears and sobs of grief): Yes Nathan, if you don't like it I won't call you baby anymore. I am sorry, I did not know you don't like it. I don't call you baby because I think you are a baby, it's just what I have called you ever since you were born. You will always be my baby, but I won't call you baby anymore if you don't like it.

Nathan: No, I don't like it mama.


Mama needs a hug.

I seem to be suffering a LOT more pain over Nathan's growing up than I did over Isaac's and than I think I will over Anna's.

Even though Anna is my last baby, I have been able to really savor every second of her babyhood. I have memorized how it feels to rock her and read to her and hold her. I will have very fond memories of those moments with my baby girl.

Isaac was my baby all by himself for 18 months. I spent 11 weeks prior to Nathan's birth on bedrest so it was just my Isaac and me, able to spend lots of time together. I have such vivid memories of rocking him, reading to him and playing with him.

But with my Nathan, my dear sweet, kind hearted, easy going little Nathan, I just don't have many clear memories of his baby years. I have thought a LOT about why that might be and there are many reasons, but two specifically that really stand out.

I was so busy when he was an infant, caring for a newborn and a toddler, that I don't think I ever really took the time to slow down and savor his baby moments. Then we were in that awful car accident and it completely wiped out a lot of my memory of the year before and the year after. Years that I can never get back, the years when my Nathan grew and changed the most. It brings tears to my eyes even as I type this, I so desperately wish I had more vivid memories of him as a baby, a toddler, a 2 year old.

He is growing SO fast. He is going to be FIVE next year! He is going to start kindergarten in the fall of 2008! I would not wish him back to a baby, he is an utter joy of a little boy. I just so wish that my memories of his infancy and toddler hood were clear.

I will admit that I also worry a lot about Nathan's well being. I do not want him to sink into the neglected middle child role. With a rather high maintenance, though also dearly loved, big brother and an adorable baby sister, easy going Nathan can very easily get lost in the shuffle. He is just such a sparkling little personality, that grin just lights up the room.

I could probably ramble on for at least another 12 paragraphs with very little point or direction so I will cut this post off for both your benefit and mine.

SIGH I don't remember signing up for this part of motherhood, why didn't some one warn me?


Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

Ohhhh... that is so sweet... if you could call it sweet... you may not be able to call him 'baby' anymore but he will always be your baby... maybe 'whisper' it when you are talking to him... take care

Davis Family said...

geeze...Cherith, you are making an old veteran mommy get all weepy.

Nathan will ALWAYS be your baby--even if you have to whisper it under your breath so he cannot hear it.

Ian's 6 feet 5 inches--and that boy is my baby....even though I have to look up to see his receding hairline these days.
Love ya!

buzz2of11 said...

I know it is tough when they want to quit being called such a sweet name. I agree whisper it under your breath! Even though they will grow up you will still be their Mommy!